Why I Don't Believe and Don't Worry About It

 Recently, one of my best friends was having a bad week and part of that badness was related to how he imagined his afterlife might go with the new information he was struggling with. Can we take it as given that i suck at being consoling? I try, but what I mean and what I say are often close to polar opposites. For example, decades ago I was flying across country on a business trip with a co-worker and friend who was terrified of airplanes and flying. To me, this seemed inconsistent with the fact that he and his wife traveled around the country visiting amusement parks and testing roller coasters. So, I suggested, "If the plane goes down, it will be the wildest roller coaster ride ever!" His only response was to grip the seat arm rests even tighter and chew on his lip to the point of drawing blood. 

In a similar sensitive manner I tried to reconcile my friend with my firm belief that he won't have to worry about any of that messy stuff after he dies because he'll just be dead. I went on to explain that any fantasy I might have ever had about a benevolent god (goddess or gods) died with my mother; when she was 34 and I was 9. No explanation of god's "mysterious ways" total bullshit reasons or motives cut through my loss or made a lick of sense. 

What I didn't explain was that as I've grown older I've studied a lot of religions and philosophies (like Buddhism) from Native American to Asia and South America and many of the weird variations of Christianity. From when I was a teenager until my late-20s, that was the sole focus of my non-fiction reading. Many religions echo the good parts of friends, family, social obligation, generosity, and humility. Most of them have instructions for how to dispose of or enslave infidels, too. No matter what you believe, someone thinks you are an infidel unfit to live. 

After that burst of religious curiosity flamed out, I have spent the rest of my life studying nature, philosophy, science and technology, psychology and sociology, and, lately, biology and especially neurology. The more I learn about humans and the other species with whom we so poorly share this planet, the less convinced I am that there is anything special about humans. In particular, I can find no evidence in human behavior that would make me think we're likely to do anything other than die when we die. At our best, as Kurt Vonnegut said, “I am a humanist, which means, in part, that I have tried to behave decently without any expectation of rewards or punishments after I’m dead.” That is as good as humans ever get. Which is nothing special, since every other animal on the planet does pretty much the same thing. 

Like my very religious step-sister, my friend said, "Wouldn't you like to see your mother again?" 

First, I don't remember her at all so I don't have an answer for that. More importantly, though, what I'd like to happen has damn little to do with much that happens in life and that suggests I will have a whole lot less control in death. I do realize that a lot of people pin desperate hope that we'll all be "going to a better place" in death. Honestly, I think they won't be disappointed on several levels. If life has been a miserable trial and disappointment, death will be a better place even if that place is nowhere.

The fact is that science has solidly proven that we are our brains. (There is a book with exactly that title and I strongly recommend it.) Our brains are not just a part of us, those blobs of grey matter, blood, and water are all there is to us. That shouldn't surprise or freak us out. It is pretty well known that a variety of head injuries can cause dramatic personality changes. If getting whacked on the head can turn a quiet, friendly person into a raging and violent criminal, produce a radical personality change including a completely different accent, or just turn someone into a vegetable, it's pretty obvious that the thing we hope is a "soul" is just who we are at the moment. We are the sum of the things our brain has decided we are and a tweak or two to that glob of gray and white soft tissue can make us into someone else. That, of course, means there is no "fixed" me or you and that pretty much blows the whole pipe-dream of a soul to dust. Some people, like my friend, think that clinging to the hope of a heaven (or hell) is what keeps them on track. I can't find any evidence that is true. Every awful, vicious, disgusting, immoral or amoral act humans make has been done by many people who claim to believe in some form of heaven or hell. In fact, most of the worst things humans have done to each other in our bloody history were driven by religions. So, logic and science indicate that there isn't a life after death. Recent and past history proves that humans do not behave better if their philosophy is based on any of our religions' threats or promises.  The only remaining point the existence of religion may have is that religions provide an income for a few people; at the expense of many people. Not a convincing argument.

When Did Gratitude Die? (Part 2)

So, once we re-evaluate where we were, where we came from, and where we have landed with our heads in the clouds, our feet slipping out from under us, and our expectations wildly exceeding our work ethic, talents, or energy output, where does gratitude fit in? According to a Harvard Health Publishing article, “gratitude can make us happier” and if that is true a lack of gratitude probably makes us less happy. The Harvard article has a concise description of gratitude, "Gratitude is a thankful appreciation for what an individual receives, whether tangible or intangible. With gratitude, people acknowledge the goodness in their lives. In the process, people usually recognize that the source of that goodness lies at least partially outside themselves. As a result, being grateful also helps people connect to something larger than themselves as individuals — whether to other people, nature, or a higher power." A large part of what likely creates the dysfunction our country, and a lot of the world, is experiencing is exactly that disconnection from appreciating the “goodness” in our lives. Another word for that disconnection is “entitlement.”

A few years ago, I took several classes at the local community college. For two years, I was a 70-something surrounded by 20-somethings and while that was nothing new to me being a student peer was. These young people said things to me that I had never heard as an instructor. They often seemed to think I shared their aspirations and expectations, since we all appeared to be training for a career in a fairly low-paying and very competitive occupation. I, of course, was not doing anything more than entertaining myself learning new skills. Most of them were doing the same thing, but they were pretending to be doing something more. Toward the end of the fall semester, these “kids” started talking about their expectations from their parents for Xmas. Like 10-year-olds making a list for Santa, these young men and women had lists of expensive tools, musical instruments, vacation trips, cars, and cash that they fully expected their parents to provide as if money were no object. I have no idea if their Xmas stockings were full of thousand dollar bills or coal, but I’d bet on the first over the second based on their confidence levels.

Like I said in Part 1, my kids didn’t grow up with those expectations, but one of my daughters clearly believes she should have and, apparently, all of the grandkids fall into the “modern” category. In my opinion, gifts to anyone should not be simply an obligation. If the effort and expense is not appreciated, it is probably safe to assume it is unwanted. For a lot of parents and grandparents, hunting down a special gift or giving a substantial amount of cash to kids feels like an obligation or responsibility. It isn’t.

Gifting is an attempt to express our love and appreciation for others. When it is obvious, from the lack of gratitude (or even acknowledgement), that expression of love and appreciation is not reciprocated a rational reaction should be to scale back those gifts. If for no other reason, just to see if when they are missing is that absence noticed at all. If the total absence of gifting passes unobserved, you’ve saved an unnecessary expense. If it inspires a birthday or Xmas card from the kid, maybe cards are all that is necessary from here out? Once a kid is old enough to receive an allowance for chores and homework, the kid is old enough to think of others. If they don’t, that is a conscious, adult decision. Once a kid is old enough to vote, that “kid” is an adult with adult responsibilities.

Likewise, tipping has become a ridiculous obligation that has been carried to a nutty gifting extreme. Tips are are expressions of appreciation for special service, not just for carrying out the basic tasks of menial jobs. The same group of people who imagine their entitlement should provide them with an easy, carefree life are often working in food service and bitching about “lousy tippers.”

The history of gift-giving for Xmas in the USA is . . . weird. Supposedly, the tradition is somehow linked to the “Three Wise Men” fairy tale, but that comparison falls apart pretty quickly in relation to most Xmas gifting. Early on, Bibles were the most common gift a kid could get and, in fact, by my wife and I have bibles that were holiday gifts from our parents. The American toy industry didn’t appear until the 1820s, so Xmas toy giving is not a “historic tradition” by any long-term standard. Over time, a whole weird toy industry arrived to distract kids and provide parents with fewer time obligations. The whole “you better be good” bullshit was pretty much a bust, as short-term incentives usually are. Landfills are jammed with last week’s toys and the low quality of most toys serve as a training ground for planned-obsolescence products’ consumers. My childhood and parenting experience with toys has definitely lowered my product expectations.

There are lessons and value in gift-giving, but only if it is a two-way street. Generations that have been taught that they deserve expensive presents for doing nothing other than existing will have a value system that is unsustainable. I believe that a lot of the entitlement and anger that the Q-nut Karens and Kyles exhibit is based on this experience. Their disappointment at discovering they are nothing special at all, regardless of the participation trophies still stacked on their bedroom in their mommies’ homes, has to be disorienting.

In a University of Pennsylvania study, a group of people were given a one week assignment of writing and delivering "a letter of gratitude to someone who had never been properly thanked for his or her kindness. Participants immediately exhibited a huge increase in happiness scores. This impact was greater than that from any other intervention, with benefits lasting for a month." There have been a few people for whom I will always regret not properly thanking for their contribution to my life. I hope I, at least, expressed reasonable gratitude at the time, but I wish I’d followed up more often as my life progressed and their the result of their contributions became more evident.

Likewise, I know I have provided support, pleasure, encouragement, gifts, and money to friends and people in my family from parents and grandparents to siblings, kids and grandkids. Based on simple acknowledgement of those acts, I can safely say no more than a half-dozen of the people who I have spent time and money have, apparently, even noticed my efforts. Which works for me because from here out, I am cutting back.