#181 Taking the Survey

One of the few moments of pleasure I get in this political season is when I receive calls and mail from the Republican Party. Somehow, that nutty group decided I was in their political sphere. Maybe, it's because I was once a McCain supporter, but that was in 2000 before McCain latched his lips to Bush and Cheney's assholes and begged for their forgiveness and approval. Since McCain turned into a Bush butt monkey, I haven't had a moment's interest in his campaign or life. Still, the Republicans send me crap several times a week. I always take the time to lick their self-addressed envelopes and plunk them in the mailbox before tossing the campaign crap into the trash. I figure that every Republican quarter I can waste in mailing that envelope back to hell (from whence it came) is a quarter they can't spend lying on television. Of course, as long as Fox exists there will always be plenty of opportunities for Republicans to lie on television.

The latest McCain mailer came with a "Critical Issues Survey Questionnaire." True to their illiterate roots, Republicans need to double-label their propaganda as a "Survey Questionnaire," in case their retarded supporters don't know that a survey is a list of questions. Since I have no faith that anyone in the Republican party is clever enough to tally the results of anything more complicated than bribes, I decided to answer the questions here in the Rat. I may skip a few because they were so obviously stupid and pandering, but I'll do my best to concentrate on McCain's questions.

1. Do you think Congress should respond to the economic slowdown with a plan of tax cuts to stimulate the economy? No. I think an economic plan is a good idea, but the rich have received enough tax cuts.

2. Do you believe our economy will grow if we cut taxes and put more money in the hands of hardworking Americans who pay taxes? Yes. Cut taxes on working Americans, crank taxes up on the deadbeat executive class and drop the hammer on the idle rich.

3. Do you think the unemployment insurance system needs to be modernized to meet the goals of helping displaced workers? Probably, but I wouldn't trust a Republican with anything that provides assistance to workers.

4. Which of the following factors do you feel is most adversely affecting the economy in your area? Insanely stupid federal and state spending. Republicans have redirected the wealth of the nation toward corporate welfare and it's not working.

5. Which of the following is the single most important economic issue facing you and your family? Insane federal spending on the Iraq invasion and corporate welfare.

6. Do you believe that reducing the federal deficit should be a top priority? Yes, that means reduce it dumbass. No more cowboy wars that Republicans don't want to pay for.

7. Do you think the government should reduce regulations and provide tax incentives to encourage small business growth? Which regulations? I think there are too few environmental regulations and no enforcement at all. I don't want a cent spent on increasing corporate wealth and I want the media reined in and returned to public property.

8. Do you feel the U.S. Tax code should be made simpler and fairer? First, why did you think "Tax" needed to be capitalized? Is this the usual Republican emphasis on Tax (unfair) and trivializing of "code" (rule of law)? Yes, the tax code should be simplified. Hell yes, it should be more fair. No, that doesn't mean creating more exemptions for Paris Hilton or Jeff Skilling.

9. Do you agree that Government should aggressively rein-in spending? What's with this odd treatment of random words as proper nouns? Why did you capitalize "Government?" Is this some simian attempt to personalize and demonize the word "government?" Are you stupid? You work for the government and you are running for the highest office in government. Yes, quit spending money on Iraq and the military. Happy now?

I've lost interest in this stupid survey questionnaire. I'm going to pick and choose my questions from here out.

1. Should America surrender in Iraq regardless of the consequences in the Middle East? No, we should waste the nation's resources and children to eternity regardless of the consequences in the Middle East. How would a dumbass who didn't listen to experts arguing against going to unprovoked war in Iraq know what consequences of either option would create?

2. Do you agree with Democrats who believe national defense spending should be slashed in order to fund domestic programs? Hell yes! If the military can't protect citizens from Saudis with box knives using our own airlines as weapons, what good are they? I say spend the money on alternative fuel research so we can bankrupt the Arab nations and send them back to pounding sand up their own asses. That's what I said in September 2001 and I still think it would have been the smart thing to do.

3. Do you support giving our law enforcement agents the tools they need to monitor terrorist communications? Yes, but only those tools and nothing more. They had that ability before 2001 and weren't competent enough to use them. More tools will only make them less competent.

4. Do you think that forcing every American into a socialized national health care system is the best way to deal with uninsured patients? Hell yes! You've enjoyed socialized health care for your whole life, McCain. Look how well it's served you. Why shouldn't working citizens have the same health care as politicians?

5. Which political part do you feel is best able to hand each of the following issues? What followed was a list of "issues," from the war in Iraq to Energy and Education. I think Republicans are incapable of handing anything other than bribery and corruption. Those weren't on McCain's list, so they left me with only the Democratic choice, which I'm not happy with either. I created my own column called "Anyone but Republican" and checked all of the boxes in that column.

Finally, one last particularly hilarious question. Are you concerned about the vast sums of campaign funds being stockpiled by the Democrats and their liberal allies? Hell no! I think Republicans shouldn't be allowed to play with money, politics, guns, or unpolluted air and water. You screw-ups have contaminated the national psyche so viciously that you ought to be deported to your nations of origin. I recommend a giant cannon we could stuff full of Republicans and aim in the general direction of Europe. Who cares where they land as long as it's too far away for them to swim back.

May 2008