Customer of Size

One of the beauties of being old and poor is political incorrectness. As I write this, Southwest Airlines is taking a load of crap for not being able to seat a moderately huge Hollywood character, Kevin Smith director of Clerks, Chasing Amy, and other X-Gen drivel. Southwest issued an "apology" after Smith whined about his poor treatment on Twitter. Finally, content that is appropriate for something as lame as Twitter and Tweeting, although most of the crap I've seen on Twitter ought to be more accurately termed Whimpering.

I have to admit I enjoy the politically correct phrase "customer of size." It's much nicer than lardass, hippobutt, ton of flab, walrus boy, tank, or any of the usual descriptions of those of us who can't turn down calories and never saw a meal we couldn't finish. But look at this guy. He's huge! He couldn't fit into a queen sized bed, let alone an airline seat.

The thing that bothers me the most about this episode is that someone as unimportant to the scheme of life generates any national attention at all. I mean, come on, Clerks? Isn't that like being the guy who stunk up the boy's shower with a really nasty fart? Sure, some people remember stupid stuff like that their whole lives, but people with lives and families and real jobs forget pointless junk like Clerks the moment the credits roll. I'm pretty sure I saw Chasing Amy, too. Probably on a thin Netflix night. It didn't make a mark, though. I have no idea what it was about, unless Amy was a runner and the movie was about all the girls behind her in some kind of race.

As for fat folks in airplanes, "discriminating" against people who actually cost more to haul into the air and across the planet is only logical. I have always thought that cars and people ought to be taxed for the resources they consume. Big, heavy cars and trucks ought to cost more to buy and license. Lardasses ought to pay more to ride in buses, trains, and airplanes.

Conversely, if you can fit into a normal airline seat without touching the person beside you, you should get a discount. If you can't, you should either pay the person next to you for the real estate you're stealing or the airline for extra territory. Why is that so hard to figure out?

People are fat because they eat too much and exercise too little. It's not an affliction, an unavoidable handicap, or a reason to be treated with special consideration. In the end, nature is going to be particularly ruthless with diabetes, heart failure, stroke, and a boatload of misery to go along with all those boatloads of gravy. This is another example of Americans taking the victim road too seriously. "Customer of size," my ass. The dude is a hippo. He might be able to cram his butt into a seat, but he'll be spilling into the seats on either side of him.


  1. Anonymous2/15/2010

    LOL! That was fuuuuuuuuny
    But having recently completed 34 Round trips, on Southwest....I can personally attest to the dreaded phenomenon of the ever shrinking airline seat.

    The truly and sometimes unbelievably obese are paraded or wheeled past the rest of the passengers standing in numerical order, like good cattle do…..while you are thanking yourself you sprang for the extra $15 a leg for business and at least you don’t have to sit next to them……as you shove the cinnobon down your gullet and wonder again if the seats really are getting smaller…..hehehehehhehehehhe

  2. Anonymous2/15/2010


    Another essay where I am remembered; I am the shower fart guy.


  3. This is too cool. "The National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance" (NAAFA?) is calling for a boycott of Southwest. I wonder who that will inconvenience? I'd imagine that normal people will flock to Southwest just to get away from lardasses spilling into their seats. Southwest might have found a great marketing plan: "Fly Southwest and get a whole seat for the whole trip."