10/10/2012

Every Four Years, Nothing Changes



Canada Tightens Border

OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report)—Canada announced today that it was tightening security along its border with the United States amid concerns that there could be a mass migration of illegal Americans after Tuesday, November 6th.
According to Randolph McTavish, Deputy Commissioner of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, border patrols are on alert due to an “increase in chatter” indicating that a threat to Canada’s border might be imminent.
“We’ve been intercepting troubling comments from some very freaked-out people,” he said. “Most of it has been on NPR call-in shows.”
Stating that the R.C.M.P. is patrolling every kilometre of the Canadian border, he issued this warning to Americans who might try to cross into Canada illegally: “If you drive a Prius, you will be stopped.”
He also warned Americans against trying to slip across the border in the hopes of passing as Canadians: “It is very difficult, if not impossible, to pretend to like hockey.”
Mr. McTavish said that he was sympathetic with those who might flee across the border in search of a new life and socialized medicine, but added, “At the end of the day, forty-seven per cent of Americans is more than Canada can handle.”

Two Reasons Why We Should All Vote 
for Willard Mitt Romney
(Denny Crane’s argument from “Boston Legal,” 2008)

“If McCain [Romney] wins, he’ll help save the salmon.
“Wild Salmon stocks in Canada are threatened… climate change, sea lice… and once they go, there goes half the ecosystem.  I don’t need to tell you!
 “He won’t save ‘em directly!  The polls show that if McCain [Romney] wins, it’s like a third term of Bush – and a lot of Americans will immigrate to Canada.  The smart ones.  The intelligence level of Canada will go up, and they’ll figure out how to save the Salmon.”
And the second reason?
“Women are easier during a Republican administration.  It’s a fact that during Democratic regimes, volunteerism goes up.  Then, you get a lot of women running around for this cause or that… and they start to think they have something to say.  Republicans tend to reinforce the idea that a woman’s place is in her home, on her back.  Now, I haven’t even taken into account all the depressed women, if McCain wins.  Sad girls are easy girls.  I don’t need to tell you, they’re vulnerable!”

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