Canada
Tightens Border
OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report)—Canada announced today
that it was tightening security along its border with the United States amid
concerns that there could be a mass migration of illegal Americans after
Tuesday, November 6th.
According to Randolph
McTavish, Deputy Commissioner of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, border
patrols are on alert due to an “increase in chatter” indicating that a threat
to Canada’s border might be imminent.
“We’ve been
intercepting troubling comments from some very freaked-out people,” he said.
“Most of it has been on NPR call-in shows.”
Stating that the
R.C.M.P. is patrolling every kilometre of the Canadian border, he issued this
warning to Americans who might try to cross into Canada illegally: “If you
drive a Prius, you will be stopped.”
He also warned
Americans against trying to slip across the border in the hopes of passing as
Canadians: “It is very difficult, if not impossible, to pretend to like
hockey.”
Mr. McTavish said
that he was sympathetic with those who might flee across the border in search
of a new life and socialized medicine, but added, “At the end of the day,
forty-seven per cent of Americans is more than Canada can handle.”
Two Reasons Why
We Should All Vote
for Willard Mitt Romney
for Willard Mitt Romney
(Denny
Crane’s argument from “Boston Legal,” 2008)
“If McCain [Romney]
wins, he’ll help save the salmon.
“Wild Salmon stocks
in Canada are threatened… climate change, sea lice… and once they go, there
goes half the ecosystem. I don’t need to tell you!
“He won’t save ‘em directly! The polls
show that if McCain [Romney] wins, it’s like a third term of Bush – and a lot
of Americans will immigrate to Canada. The smart ones. The
intelligence level of Canada will go up, and they’ll figure out how to save the
Salmon.”
And the second
reason?
“Women are easier
during a Republican administration. It’s a fact that during Democratic
regimes, volunteerism goes up. Then, you get a lot of women running
around for this cause or that… and they start to think they have something to
say. Republicans tend to reinforce the idea that a woman’s place is in
her home, on her back. Now, I haven’t even taken into account all the
depressed women, if McCain wins. Sad girls are easy girls. I don’t
need to tell you, they’re vulnerable!”
No comments:
Post a Comment