5/19/2014

#54 A Terrifying Conspiracy (2001)

All Rights Reserved © 2001 Thomas W. Day

For the last 35 years, I've had a great time ridiculing conspiracy theorists .  Mostly, because I don't believe the government, the military (an organization only committed and obligated to the U.S. government through a weak budgetary link), and the ruling class are smart enough to design and manage anything more complex than a tea party with invisible tea and dirt cookies.  However, through my incredible investigative skills and contacts (very similar to the "if you heard it here first, I  made it up" skills found in all news sources), I have discovered an international conspiracy that completely overshadows anything accomplished by the Triple Crown or the Trifecta or the Trilateral Screw-ups or whatever that group of three guys who supposedly rule the world is called.

Here's the conspiracy that I believe I have uncovered.  I am convinced that if I were to perform a close review of the Bush votes in nearly every Florida precinct, I would discover either an incredible coincidence or a cunning conspiracy.  To close to the chase, here is the executive summary; comedians elected George Bush.  Not Florida Republicans.  Not the Supreme Court.  Not the Nader voters.  And, no, I'm not kidding. 

Look at the evidence for yourself, if you have absolutely nothing worthwhile to do with your spare time.  I personally have better things to do.  Like, write this column  So, I'm going to describe the gist of this incredible national disaster based on twenty minutes of fumbling around on the World Wide Web.

This incredibly brilliant insight came to me while watching one of the Saturday Night Live "specials" that were run a few weeks ago.  Obviously, something important had happened because SNL was running practically every day of the week, not at midnight, but during primetime.  It's been so long since Saturday Night was considered competent, let alone primetime material, that I knew something was up.  So, beer and pen in hand, I watched an hour or two of what passes for comedy in the 21st Century. 

What I saw chilled my blood to near freezing.  I'm sure that was what happened because beer doesn't get warm that fast and my beer definitely seemed warm. 

What I discovered was that, for occasional skits and for brief seconds, SNL was mildly funny.  You probably haven't seen SNL since Belushi OD'd, so you don't know how incredible that realization is.  Let me provide another executive summary; SNL usually as entertaining as watching cement dry.  And I mean cement that has been dry for a long, long time.  Boring cement.  Sidewalk cement.  And so on. But for brief moments, some of the SNL bits were actually funny.  And every one of them portrayed GeeWiz Bush acting . . . like himself.  Obviously, comedians were interested in GeeWiz because he's going to supply them with a recession-proof supply of material. 

To professional comedians, and semi-professionals like the SNL crew, the alternative must have been as motivating as a glass of Tijuana water.  Funny people, world-wide, were terrified of Al Gore.  Like the subject, even jokes told about Gore are boring.  Deadly boring.  Even laugh tracks won't laugh when Al is the butt of a joke. 

I instantly realized that the old detective rule, "follow the money," applied to current politics.  A show that was edging toward being shown in between infomercials at 2:00AM, suddenly returned to prime time.  I didn't have to follow the money, the money tracked me down and waved itself in my face during the only time of the day when it might catch my attention.  So, I fired up my computer and did some intensive investigative research.  On Yahoo! 

Since we all know that the votes from 49 states, during the last election, amounted to nothing more significant than the opinions of kindergarten kids, I did all of my research in the Florida white pages.  At first, I assumed that what I would find would be that a significant number of comedians were registered to vote in Florida.  What I found was a conspiracy that was, as the great Chicago conspirator's son, William Daley (the Gore campaign chairman), "an injustice unparalleled in our history."  At least, in our history as of the last year or two. 

Instead of finding individual comedians registered in Florida, I found hoards of comedic voters.  For example, there are twenty-eight Robin Williams, sixty-three John Goodmans, eleven Arsenio Halls ( and more than two hundred "A" Hall's listed in Miami alone), seventeen Jim Downeys (an SNL journeyman who is a professional George Bush imitator), nearly twenty listings for Will Ferrell (another Bush impersonator), one hundred and nineteen Eddie Murphys (another comedian known for his ability to impersonate dorky white people) and more than six hundred listings for "E Murphy."  I found multiple listings for Jerry Steinfield, Nora Dunn, Chevy Chase, Brett Butler, George Coe, Jane Curtin, Dennis Miller, Bill Murray, Harry Shearer, Al Franken, Joe Piscopo, Dana Carvey,  Chris Rock, Adam Sandler, Drew Carey, Darrell Hammond, David Koechner, Mark McKinney, Chris Parnell, Dan Aykroyd, Norm Macdonald, Darrell Hammond, and Chris Parnell.  I could go on for pages and pages, looking for names of comedians and finding listings for them in Florida, but I think I've nearly made my point. 

I'm certain that it will come as no surprise to my readers that many Republican voters are dead, but the final nail is the election conspiracy coffin has to be the fact that I found seventy-four listings for Steve Allen, a quartet of Jackie Gleasons,  twenty-one Dick Gregorys, and seventy-four Bob Hopes.  I also found multiple Phil Hartmans, Chris Farleys, and eight Phyllis Dillers.  The last one is something I should further research, because I've never been totally sure if Phyllis is dead or alive.  Either way, she scares the crap out of me.  Another of the walking dead is Bob Dole.  There are hundreds of Bob Doles in Florida.  I will never, ever, consider taking a vacation in that state without being well stocked with silver bullets, wooden stakes, and necessary tools for decapitating zombies.

Finally, in the past twenty years, the Supreme Court has been, secretly, stacked with retired comedians. Read the decision of the majority court members.  Better yet, let me paraphrase their written humor for you: "1st pass) we don't understand why the Florida Supreme court decided this election was rigged, so we'll ask them to re-explain their logic in smaller words, 2nd pass) we agree that the election was spectacularly unfair but because we put off ruling on the election recount until the day before we decided the the results were due, it's too late to fix it, so, nananana Georgie wins and damn the torpedoes!"

All I have to say about this incredible conspiracy is that these people better be damn funny for the next four years. 

June 2001

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