Withdrawal

I don't like to think of myself as being "sensitive." All my life, I've worked to sync my external voice with my internal voice so that when I recount what I've said in conversations I'm repeating what I actually did, not what I wish I'd done. There is a disconnect, though. I set fairly low standards for my expectations in other humans, but when someone I know dips below that bar I am disappointed to the excess that I seriously consider cutting off all communications with all humans. That isn't much of a self-punishment, either. I have never had a lonely day in my adult life. I have missed being around a few people, occasionally, but that didn't change the fact that I still had too many people in my life and always have. During those brief periods  when I am the only person in my home, I am at my happiest (not much of a swing from my most unhappy, I'll admit). I love to travel alone and almost never wish someone else was along for the ride.

A few days ago, (today is December 20, 2015) an acquaintance from my last job who is probably the single most sexist, male chauvinist pig I've ever experienced supported his decision to vote for one of the many insane crackers running for the Republican presidential candidacy by posting a picture of Hillary Clinton pissed off. Hillary is pretty nasty looking when she's pretending to smile, but when she's angry (something Billy has given her plenty of reason to be) she is everyone's least favorite grade school teacher. I replied that posting an "unflattering picture of Hillary is not a debate tactic when the discussion is about the latest insanity spewed by one of the nutty Republican candidates." That was, clearly, a sexist tactic designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator. His response was to claim that because he had a mother and sisters, he couldn't be sexist. This is a man whose descriptions of his past sexual encounters border on disgusting and whose disrespect for women co-workers and students always made me want to put distance between him and me, professionally and personally. So his belief that the existence of his mother (not a rare occurrence in the worst of men) was a defense was so insanely stupid a claim that I gave up on carrying the debate any further. If I'm lucky, I'll never hear from this douche again.

That desire to separate doesn't stop with the foolish ex-friend, though. My disappointment in his lack of insight and self-knowledge didn't stop with the offender. I wanted to cut off all contact with humans of any sort. Not just for the rest of the day, but for an extended period of time. Years, for example.

Some aspects of this blog are time machine entries. Notes to myself to see how I'll feel sometime later after I've made a major decision about my life. This is one of those.