5/11/2009

I Love You, Man

Admit it, it's hard not to love Little Dick Cheney. The man is a font of weird-dom in a world of decreasingly rational behavior. This week, for example, Little Dick's hero, Rush Limbaugh said "Colin Powell is just another liberal. What Colin Powell needs to do is close the loop and become a Democrat." Limbaugh claimed that Powell is "just mad at me because I'm the one person in the country that had the guts to explain his endorsement of Obama. It was purely and solely based on race." And Little Dick followed that brilliant analysis (with special emphasis on the "anal" aspect of the word) by saying that he'd rather follow Rush than Colin Powell into battle for the soulless heart of Republicanism. Dick was practically reverential about his admiration for the crazy rightwing talk show fratboy.

Pretty funny; one super-cowardly draft dodger claiming that he would rather follow another maniacally timid draft dodger into battle than be led by someone who grew a pair during adolescence and has actually been in a battle more physical than a collection of corporate backshooters whining about desert.

It’s a spectacular image. Little Dick, with his shotgun in hand, being chauffeured in a Hummer crawling along behind Rush, who would be waddling along the side of an isolated dirt road looking for hillbillies to convert or shoot, or both. Ah, the exhilaration of a Republican battle! The most corrupt, elite, and cowardly people on the planet convincing the children of the working class to kill themselves for the fame and fortune of the idle rich. That is the stuff that conservative legends are made from.

In one of his finer sit-down comedic appearances, Little Dick told one hilarious story after another as a CBS interviewer/straight-man gawked in amazement and complicity. My favorite one-liner, which Little Dick never tires of telling, is the one about how his secret torture memos describe "attack planning that was under way and how it was stopped." Even the CIA clowns who reveled in the glory days of amoral behavior under Little Dick don’t have the gall to claim that they uncovered anything beyond a few torture victims’ private parts. The FBI agents who actually obtained the information from traditional interrogation techniques are less enthusiastic about Little Dick's fables.

But Dick, having secure faith in the gullibility of the Republican minions, can say anything with a straight face. If you can’t love an absolute lack of moral values or any connection to reality, what can you love?

Here is a small sampling of my favorite Little Dick Cheney routines:
  • The hilarious story of how he created enemies from friends and mindlessly distributed weapons across the face of the Mideast to make the US safer from terrorists who, otherwise, would be armed with sand and rocks.
  • The amazing talke of how he turned our boarders into freeways jammed with an uninterrupted flow of illegal immigrants (cheap labor for the ruling class) and how that was a great triumph of national defense.
  • Everybody loves hearing about his gutting of the volunteer military in favor of corrupt, incompetent, and overpriced private contractors who couldn’t protect a platoon of Marines from a dozen rampaging retired nuns.
  • And we all laugh our guts out as he tells about disassembling the core of the federal government and replacing it with K-Street fruitcakes who, outside of packing their pockets with federal welfare, have no useful skills or human value. A side effect of eliminating all necessary regulation of everything from banking and finance to government oversight of federal expenditure is that corruption ran so rampant during the Cheney-Bush years that we almost forgot that government doesn't have to be a criminal enterprise. Damn,. that's good comedy.
  • His gutbusting description of overseeing of dozens of the best examples of mismanagement in the history of the nation (you pick, there are so many possibilities from 9/11 to the Second Great Depression).
  • My favorite: how Little Dick and Brainless George turned a booming economy and a rapidly approaching balanced budget into a catestrophic economic depression with as little hope for a return to a functioning economy as has existed since 1929 (the last time Republican criminals completely took over the government).

With an absolutely straight face, Little Dick ends his routine with his explanation of why he’s still doing sit-down comedy after so many years of service to humor: if Little Dick wasn’t out there telling his stories, "then the critics have free run, and there isn't anybody there on the other side to tell the truth." One thing is for certain, where ever there is truth, justice, and the American way, Little Dick Cheney will be on the other side telling his stories.

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